Why Online Shopping Always Wins.

1. Because you can do it in your jarmas.

The endless agony of deciding what to wear to go shopping is is enough to put anyone off leaving the house. But it has to be done, because you just don't know who you might bump into. You will end up comparing yourself to every girl that walks past looking like they feature in the Street Style section of Vogue. Every outfit you try on and each mannequin you look at it will only cement your fears that you are not and never will be "trend-aware".

2. Make-up counter girls are goddesses. 

You are a hobbit.  When they look at you you feel ashamed, intimidated and judged on your lack of contouring skills. She can see into your soul. She knows you don't know what a stipling brush is or what "on fleek" means. You want to ask for that foundation and lipstick but, just, can't. You avoid eye contact and walk away. (I'll just go on the MAC website and pretend to be a beautiful unicorn instead. Relief.)

3. You don't have to make awkward conversation with your laptop while you're waiting for your payment to go through.

Those ten seconds between putting your card into the card machine and waiting for it to be accepted feels like decades. The shop assistant will always ask you what the weather's doing outside. And if you have more shopping to do. You try and think of something unique to say to bring some diversity to the standard shopper/shop-assistant dynamic. You fail.

4. In shops, you must avoid eye contact at all times. 

As soon as those eyes connect between you and the perfume-spritzer, you're doomed.

5. Add-on sales are a mine-field. 

Dodging the shop assistant's every attempt to convince you to buy something else makes you leave the shop feeling like a war hero. You must develop an otherworldly level of self-constraint when the offer presents itself to look like Kim Kardashian if you buy the £30 primer as well as the foundation. If you don't, your foundation won't work and you will look hideous. Also, Cheryl Cole herself has this lipstick. Your lips will look like hers if you buy it.

You must find a way to say no in ten different ways that sound both polite and believable. Prepare, or prepare to fail.

6. Solitude is always best if you are prone to anger. 

Busy shops cause rage. Sale racks cause rage. Being bumped into causes rage. Trying to find your car keys causes rage. Trying to find your car causes rage. Prams cause rage. Wheelchairs cause rage. Kids cause rage. Old people cause rage. People who walk slowly cause rage. Loud people cause rage. Happy people cause rage. I HATE EVERYONE!

7. Self-appreciation. 

The fact that you have not only dressed yourself, but actually left the house on your day off instead of sitting on your arse all day like you could have done, makes you feel proud. So proud in fact, that you decide you should treat yourself. The shop assistant agrees. You only came out for some shampoo. But to be fair, those shoes do look good on you. And you've walked so much today. You deserve it.

8. Traffic. 

If there is a decision to stay at home, buy your shit online and have it hand-delivered to your door or sit in grid-lock for an hour then arrive at the shops sweating, fuming and depressed that your pain-stakingly chosen outfit is now creased to bits - staying at home wins all.

9. You will ALWAYS come home with something you never intended to buy. 

You get it home and take it out of the carrier-bag. It had a good review. It looked nice in its packaging. It was on the same counter as the thing you were meant to buy. You got distracted. It smells nice. But... what is it?!

10. Because you don't run the risk of bumping into your arch-nemesis.

You've seen each other. You can't escape it. You're both avoiding eye contact. Must, get, to, that, dress, but she's stood there. How do you walk away without making it obvious? How do you avoid all interaction?! HOW DO YOU GET TO THAT DRESS WHILE SHE'S STOOD THERE!

She's picked it up.

You didn't want it anyway.

11. Temptation is EVERYWHERE. 

Going out to the shops tests even the most frugal of people. You're skint. You're saving for your holidays. But you get paid in a week. You can live off cat food til then. Everything looks so pretty. You could just have a quick look.....

I WANT IT ALL!!!

Dear Future Self...

N.B. This post will probably read much more powerfully if imagined spoken over Baz Luhrmann's 'Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)'.

This post is dedicated to my future self, to remind me of some valuable life lessons that I have learnt recently. Why wait until you're in your sixties to look back forlornly on your life and think upon all the things that you could, should, would have done differently?

  1. TAKE NO SHIT.

As I've got older, I've really learnt to stand up for myself and not worry so much about how it might make me look when I do. This will be encouraged if you surround yourself with the right people. For example, I spent far too long with somebody who felt that I made social situations uncomfortable due to my inability to "hide my feelings". Of course, there is a time and a place to express your opinions, but when the time is right - why pretend? Life is too short to feel stifled, bullied and ignored.  

  2. IT'S OK NOT TO BE LIKED BY EVERYONE.

Seriously. This whole 'You Can't Sit With Us' craic, since when was it a good thing to be a standoffish bitch? If you're being made to feel left out of a group that, by their own admission, are too beautiful or too cool for you - chances are, you'll not want to be part of it anyway!

  3. GO BACK TO DOING WHAT YOU USED TO LOVE.

Recently, I have re-ignited my love affair with reading and writing. As a child, my life's ambition was to be a famous author and at the age of about 12, used to write books with sequels for my friends to read and review. Although gaining 100% in my A Level English Literature paper, when I went onto study it at Uni, somewhere along the way I lost my love for it and started questioning where it would lead me in life. After four years of flitting between jobs, I've finally returned to my true passion. These things you used to love are probably the things that inspired you before you became too obsessed with the opposite sex, the way you look and being popular. Probably the things that make you look like a geek as a child. In reality, these passions are the things that make you unique, interesting and even successful in later life.

  4. IT'S OK TO BE DIFFERENT.

Don't be afraid to be different. There will always be people out there who love you for who you are. Don't spend your time trying to be someone who you're never going to be. That person probably has their own issues to contend with anyway. When you find people who really get you and love those parts of you that you secretly like about yourself but were too afraid to show, those are the people who will bring you out of yourself and make you achieve things you never thought possible. Remember, you have to be odd to be number one.

  5. PUSH YOURSELF. 

There is a quote that states that your life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Corny, but true. Again, this will become so much easier to do depending on who you surround yourself with. The people around you should encourage, not hinder you, to do the things you always wanted to do, but didn't think you could. It's all in your state of mind!

  6. IT'S ALRIGHT NOT TO SPEND 24/7 WITH YOUR OTHER HALF. 

I think you only feel like you can't be without your boyfriend/girlfriend if there are trust issues in the relationship or if you feel entirely dependant on that person, because you have no life outside of them. Being in a stable, loving, trusting relationship allows you to spend time with others and do separate things, without the fear of drifting apart. In reality, it will only bring you closer together.

  7. MAKE AN EFFORT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. 

It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own little world, especially as you get older and have work commitments or live with your lesser half, but you should never be too busy to get in touch with your best friends, even if it's just a text, a phone call or popping round for a cup of tea. I've never valued my friends as much as I do now that I'm older and there is nothing like a girly chat for a few hours to make you feel sane again.

  8. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BASE EVERY DECISION ON WHETHER OR NOT IT WILL MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD.

...if they love you (and hopefully they do), they will be proud of you no matter what you do, as long as you're happy. I spent too long wondering at every twist and turn whether or not my decisions were the right ones. The longer you spend questioning your decisions, the less time you have either to enjoy them or change them. While your parents only want the best for you, you're the only one who can live your own life, no-one else can tell you what's best for you, even your mum and dad.

  9. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. 

Another thing that I've learnt lately is that it's OK to blow your own trumpet sometimes! If you've done something you're proud of, acknowledge that achievement! I was always waiting and hoping for praise, especially in the workplace and when you don't get it, it can be so disheartening and quite often put you off making the effort in future. Encourage yourself, you can't rely on others to do that for you. If you can recognise your own abilities, the more likely you are to pave your own way and not be swayed by other people telling you you can't succeed.

  10. PERSONALITY ALWAYS WINS OVER LOOKS.

Like most girls, I spent my youth plastering myself with makeup. This only got worse when I moved up to Newcastle and was confronted with a city full of hair extensions, false eye lashes, whitened teeth and flawless complexions. As I've got older, I've become more comfortable in my own skin and really learnt the value of kindness, empathy and a sense of humour over beauty. Personality is key in the workplace, in relationships and in friendships. People will soon suss you out if you have nothing to contribute but your looks. I will always find it more satisfying to be complimented on my personality than my outfit.

x

BRING BACK THE MAN!

She told me she had discovered a wonderful young man who was going to help her in the East End, and that his name was Dorian Gray.
I am bound to state that she never told me he was good-looking.
Women have no appreciation of good looks; at least, good women have not.
She said that he was very earnest and had a beautiful nature.
I at once pictured to myself a creature with spectacles and lank hair, horribly freckled, and tramping about on huge feet.
- 'The Picture of Dorian Gray', Oscar Wilde

These days, the more masculinized the Woman becomes, the more emasculated the Man seems to be. We now live in world where the metrosexual has risen; men spend as long - if not longer - preening themselves in front of a mirror than a women and, seemingly at the request of women, have become more sensitive and effeminate than ever. The thing is though, should we have been more careful what we wished for?

Yes, these men "take care of themselves", with the help of male skincare ranges, fake-tan, hair-straighteners and even makeup. Gone are the days of the rugged, "un-washed", probably over-weight, most likely football-fanatical, "man's man". Reality TV Shows such as TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore have all copulated and spat out the likes of Gary Beadle, Ollie Locke, Joey Essex, Mark Wright, all of whom I can guarantee are more tanned, more toned and more fashion-conscious than I will probably ever care to be.

It has always been the woman's responsibility to be the groomed, beautiful, sex icon throughout history, it is a relatively new requirement for the man to donate his time and money to the same dizzy heights of upkeep. In terms of the "real woman" debate, the differentiation between a woman who is "real" and "unreal" comes down to one being "normal looking" (i.e usually somewhere between a size 12 and 16, with curves, cellulite and stretch marks) and the other being, well, photoshopped. However, when discussing the difference between the metrosexual man and the good old-fashioned man's man, what are we talking about? It seems to me that the level of male grooming that has now emerged has taken the place of the grafter - the man who gets his hands dirty, works hard and doesn't care how he looks or smells when he comes home at the end of day.

I'm in dangerous territory here of stereotyping and I would hate to do that as nothing riled me more growing up as a skinny size 6 with not one curve on her body, feeling as though she wasn't a "real woman". The issue here isn't a man looking good and taking care of himself, but the fact that more often than not, in doing so he is replaced with a vain, personality-void drone who makes a living from his reputation of sleeping around, drinking excessively and being thick. A television show has actually been created in honour of Joey Essex's stupidity and Gary Beadle is famous for being a "top-shagger", having proudly admitted to sleeping with over 1,000 women.

drone

drəʊn/

a male bee in a colony of social bees, which does no work but can fertilize a queen.

• a person who does no useful work and lives off others.

It would be wrong of me (would it?) to judge these men who have clearly done very well for themselves - driving around donned in designer clothes from within their sports cars - with seemingly very little effort. But I am getting off the point.
[Personally, I have never been a fan of the chiseled, pretty-boy look, which is why I am happy to see the rugged, "alternative" boy and The Beard coming back into fashion, but again, that is beside's the point. However, I'll allow myself one small indulgence - just for point of reference purposes...]

Patrik Jonasson

Now clearly, seeing as Patrik Jonasson's profession is male model, it is obvious that he will also spend extensive amounts of time on his appearance. But do you know what I see when I look at him as opposed to the men pictured above him? The representation of a man with personality. Someone a little different. Someone who isn't drip-fed what to say by MTV or E4 to make him appear cool or funny, but someone with intelligence and wit, who thinks for himself. Someone who isn't afraid to be hairy, quirky, slightly on the skinny side and potentially about to chop trees down in the middle of a snowy forest, for God's sake!
Again, if I appear to be stereotyping here, so what. It is common practise for a man to judge a women as either being "the pretty one" or "the funny one", but never both at the same time. A blonde being one-night-stand material and a brunette being marriage-material. We live in a  judgemental age and clearly, just like women, men can't do right for doing wrong. We wanted the sensitive type that could relate to our feelings and share their own, we've got them. We wanted a man who cleans up after himself and takes pride in his appearance, here it is. While trying so hard to be the stronger sex, I fear that women have collectively succeeded in castrating the male race.

In closing: BRING BACK THE MAN!

It's Shit Like This That Breeds Feminism

While making the four hour drive back up to Newcastle a few weeks ago, I was listening to the Sunday chart countdown on Radio1. Somewhere in the charts, 'I Don't Mind' by Usher (feat. Juicy J) started playing. If I hadn't been on the motorway, I feel like I almost would have pulled over in sheer shock at the lyrics that came through my radio; instead, I just turned it up to check that I was hearing correctly...

Shawty, I don't mind If you dance on a pole
That don't make you a hoe
Shawty, I don't mind when you workin' til three
If you're leaving with me

This was my initial reaction. WTF. Did I just hear this right? Then this...

You can twerk it while in a split, you racking up them tips
Your body rock and your booty poppin', I'm proud to call you my bitch
They be lookin', but they can't touch you, shawty, I'm the only one to get it
So just go ahead and keep doing what you're doing

Now, call me a prude, but since when was it OK for a huge internationally-recognised celebrity to endorse women to be strippers?! Maybe it's tongue-in-cheek, but I find that hard to swallow. The song goes on to talk about how this woman is making "money, money, money" and seemingly she is handling her "biz". Is this supposed to paint a picture of an empowered woman? Surely we are far enough on in time for a woman to make money and be deemed a successful, career woman without it having to involve her taking her clothes off for tips?

Not long after, I hear this gem from David Guetta and Nicki Minaj:

Yes I do the cooking
Yes I do the cleaning
Plus I keep the na-na real sweet for your eating
Yes you be the boss and yes I be respecting
Whatever that you tell me cause it's game you be spitting
Best believe that, when you need that
I'll provide that, you will always have it
I'll be on deck, keep it in check
When you need that, I'ma let you have it

WTAF???

Again. Please tell me that women are past trying to be the perfect specimen for her man to come home to? I get it, I've been there and those were the days when I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, desperately trying to get the attention of a man who made me feel that just being myself wasn't enough. I spent hours analysing photos of celebrities that I knew he fancied, how they did their hair and makeup, what they wore, even how they spoke, not realising that actually, if I didn't feel good enough for him now, then I never would, no matter how hard I tried.

But lyrics like this - "Yes you be the boss and yes I be respecting whatever that you tell me" - make me wonder what young girls these days are subjecting themselves to. I have no doubt that porn is more rife than ever amongst younger boys than ever and subsequently, girls are being faced with an impossible feat. To become the "perfect" sexual specimen.

If we take a look at female celebrities who embody today's modern woman we think of the likes of Beyonce, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, Miley Cyrus. Women that present themselves like this:

Rihanna

Now, these women are role models to billions of young, susceptible females all over the world, but what I wonder is, what sort of example is it that they're trying to represent? The act of "twerking" is something that has exploded into the media lately and is something which, on the face of it, seems to illustrate an empowered, sexual woman. But is overtly sexual dancing and lyrics on stage, in music videos, lap dancing, pole dancing, twerking etc. really an example of strength and power?! Or is it merely a modernised version of strip clubs and brothels - is the fact that we (as women) are now able to do and talk about these things so graphically and publicly without fear of judgement an actual victory for women or are we just strolling gladly and voluntarily into the trap instead of being thrown into it against our will?! i.e. "I'm not taking my clothes off and dancing like a stripper because you told me to, but because I want to!"

Annie Lennox: “Listen, twerking is not feminism. Thats what I’m referring to. It’s not—it’s not liberating, it’s not empowering. It’s a sexual thing that you’re doing on a stage; it doesn’t empower you. That’s my feeling about it.”

Now, some might say that the likes of twerking illustrates the woman's freedom to be sexual and liberal. Is this feminism?

Feminism is a well-documented legal and philosophical movement. Twerking is a dance but borrows from the idea that women should be able to be sexual creatures. Is liberation what feminism is all about? Feminism is to define, establish, and achieve equal political, economic, cultural, personal, and social rights for women, includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. So, are these women standing up for these rights that feminists have toiled and died for for centuries or are they actual not a portrayal of a feminist, but a "modern woman"? Who is a fierce, erotic being who can have sex like a man (figuratively), fight like a man and rap like a man?

My circle of friends are all beautiful, strong-minded, self-sufficient women, with good careers, great personalities, not overtly sexual, but nonetheless absolutely attractive to men. Even as I write this, I wonder why I chose to include the part about us being attractive to men. Why should that even be a factor? Apart from the fact that, at the end of the day, we all hope to find someone to settle down with. But not at the cost of sacrificing our own identity or succumbing to the media's perception of what makes a woman "sexy".  Coming out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I now realise that my firm mind and constant desire to speak it and stand up for myself was 9 times out of 10 what caused our fights due to my partner's inability to cope with those aspects of my personality. He once told me that "if you go on like a bloke, I'll treat you like one."

Interesting. "Go on like a bloke". So to speak up, stand up for yourself, be seen as well as heard is to act like a man as opposed to being a nice, quiet, feminine woman?

I don't think I have a conclusion for this, I'm just exasperated. Getting older has encouraged me to care less about what others think and focus on myself, fulfilling my own desires as opposed to a man's. I think that there is a balance somewhere between a Lena Dunham feminist type and the modern-day, overtly sexual or masculinised woman such as Rihanna, tattooed with guns and constantly pictured topless and smoking weed. As long as your voice is your own and the choices you make aren't pre-determined by what someone else is telling you is sexy or attractive or acceptable, then to me, that's a strong, powerful woman - or man.

Where do you stand? x