Last night I was out for a family meal for my mum's birthday. Amongst us was my Auntie and Uncle, who are soon to have been married thirty-five years, and my half-brother and his new wife who tied the knot six months ago. It is a regular occurrence for me, when in my Auntie and Uncle's company, to gaze at them in wonderment - admiring their wonderful relationship. I sat there and after a while, posed the question that I have asked them on so many occasions: what's the secret?
The Coral Wedding Couple. After a moment's silence, I asked, "common interests?" To which they said yes, they did have interests that they both shared, but moreover, they also have very separate interests which they encourage in each other, rather than stifle. For example, while my Auntie is a fanatical skier, my Uncle can't stand it. My Uncle often travels with friends to the midwest in the quest for blues music and his favourite guitarists, whereas my Auntie travels to Nepal for hiking and mountaineering. They went on to say that this kind of special relationship that they have built has been made possible due to the freedom of having no children and of course, the financial ability to do so. Many other couples, my Auntie stated, would not survive in a relationship like this as it would require one to go off and leave the other with the kids, or use the holiday fund on themselves as opposed to a family holiday or trip together etc. Presumably, not many wives or husbands would put up with this for long. My Uncle went on to add that the other reason why this works so well for them, is down to trust. He said that he has never, even for a moment, had anything other than entire faith and trust in his wife that she would never do anything to hurt him. My Auntie agreed and said you do have to work at it, but after observing the sparkle that they both had in their eyes as they looked at each other during the evening, my guess is that they've never really had to work at it that hard. My Auntie turned to my brother and said, "what about you, how did you know that she was the one?"
The Newly Weds. My brother sat there and said, at forty and after several relationships that had never worked out, he never thought that he would find someone who he would settle down with. He said that what felt different about this relationship compared to his others was that it felt almost "business-like", like they were both subconsciously working towards a common goal - a future that they both wanted to build together. A partnership. He later told me that he felt that they improved each other, that they had managed to bring out aspects in each other that changed them both for the better. He said as long as you feel that your life has been made better from being with that other person, then that's all that you can really ask for from a relationship. After those previous relationships not working out, he said that it took him a while to really believe that this one could, but that any doubts or concerns he might have had along the way, he had been honest and open about with his now wife. Whatever the reasons, I have never seen my brother so happy, confident and relaxed. It is plain to see that his new wife has, in whatever special way, given him a new lease of life and allowed him to become the person he was always meant to be. My Auntie turned to me and said "well that must have been as useful as a chocolate teapot!" But actually, I learnt a lot from observing the two couples that evening. One couple thirty-five years into a marriage that may not have all been plain sailing, but has prevailed and become even stronger over the years and a couple of newly-weds, six months into their matrimonial journey together. The common factors seem to me to be the ability to work together as equals, an unequivocal faith in each other and an inexplicable connection that is so easy to see, but so difficult to pinpoint. The reason that I felt the need to comment on these two couples is that true love and the concept of "soul mates" is such a rarity - if not an ideological myth - these days and to be in the presence of it gives the rest of us hope. I am lucky enough to be able to observe it within my own family - not just in the movies.
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